There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
