I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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