Your dad touched me again.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
