Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
