I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize