i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
