K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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