did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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