Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
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