i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I deserve this hangover.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
