I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
