i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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