So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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