3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
