I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
