haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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