Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he fucked my hip out of place.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
