dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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