how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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