Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
