Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
