Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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