all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
