i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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