my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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