When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
