I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
