And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
