I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
