Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
