Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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