i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
