my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
