I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
