Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
