I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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