I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i will never coherently bang her
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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