I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
