He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
