so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
