sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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