I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
