i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
