3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
