I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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