I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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