I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
