Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
