I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
