I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize