I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
