Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The air was thick with penises
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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