You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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